The H-Spot: The Feminist Pursuit of Happiness

Jill Filipovic does the world a service with this book, an excellent compendium of all the issues that confront a feminist life, with particular care to be inclusive and mention intersectionality wherever relevant. She interviews women across class, race, and geography (U.S. only) to show that the pursuit of happiness is simply out of reach for many women who are just trying to survive. Perhaps not as useful for people already deep in the cause, but this offers a great 360 view touching on everything from giving up one’s name upon marriage (personal pet peeve!), sex, marriage, parenting, women’s friendships, food, and work.

Her chapter titles are a nod to other books by women, like chapter 4’s “Life Among the Savages: Finding Pleasure in Parenting,” based on Shirley Jackson’s wonderful work; ch 6’s Bossypants (from Tina Fey), ch 1’s Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions (Gloria Steinem); ch 3’s Playing in the Dark (Toni Morrison), etc. I love this secret book list and have taken a few titles as suggestions of things to read.

The book is wonderfully easy to read, and I’m glad Jill inserts herself into the story. I knew I was going to like reading it when I encountered this on page 2:

The story doesn’t end with me leaning in harder and opening my own firm, or leaning all the way out and moving to Bali to do yoga, or meeting someone handsome who works with his hands and moving to a farmhouse where I find purpose making artisanal jams. It doesn’t end at all, and definitely not with a self-help book or some sort of manifesto about how to find personal happiness. The book in your hands is, thankfully, not about another young lawyer who quit her job and found herself.

She layers in commentary from a huge variety of articles and books, the notes section a thick resource for future digging. Of the books, she quotes one of my favorites—Gone Girl—wherein the Cool Girl “jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2”. One of the articles she mentions is Alexandra Petri’s piece on getting her own humor column at the WaPo, which has this bit of chilling commentary:

Back then, I was super excited to be in a roomful of guys. The one thing I wish I could go back and tell younger me is that if you’re in a room of all guys, it doesn’t mean there’s something special about you. It means there’s something wrong with the room.

Something I’ve been wondering about a lot lately is the transformation of friendships when people get married/have kids. Jill sums this up nicely, saying that marriage is a sort of Rubicon for many women, “a point at which they increase their focus on their home, on their partner, and often on having children and building out their families… ‘Couple friends’ replace old girlfriends… ‘mom friends’ take over [after they have kids]… But, when you don’t get married at twenty-five and when you do spend more than a decade cultivating a life in which rich female relationships are at the foundation, it can be especially jarring to have those building blocks disintegrate. It can be jarring to realize you’ve shifted your own foundation, and it now rests largely on a man.”

On the parenting tip, this quote from Kim Brook’s New York magazine piece crystallizes the conflict between mothering and artisting, which she poses to a mother-friend:

I pressed her again on the question I’d been turning over in my mind:  Why is it that writing (or really any creative pursuit) seems to be in such conflict with parenting?

She answered calmly, hardly raising her voice. “Because the point of art is to unsettle, to question, to disturb what is comfortable and safe. And that shouldn’t be anyone’s goal as a parent.”

… Hippocrates tells us “Art is a revolt.” People make art, in other words, for exactly the opposite reason they make families.