Kings 1 & 2, Chronicles 1 & 2, Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther

It’s taken me a while to muster up the desire to continue, after getting mired down in the dull, singsongy repetition of the two books of Kings. Don’t get me wrong— 1 Kings 1:1 starts out strong, you think, “AW YEAH!” when you hear that King David as an old man is shivering but finds that he can only go on if he snuggles up to a young virgin to warm him up. But then it’s a snoozefest, and David dies, and Solomon lives and here we have the famous decree to cut a disputed baby in half to identify the real mother. Guess how many wives Solomon had. 700 wives and 300 concubines—a bit excessive.

In 2 Kings, things still plod but there are scraps of interest. Elisha puts on a magic show raising people from the dead and creating unending flows of food (sounds familiar, right, Jesus?). There’s a disturbing scene where a woman complains that she agreed with her neighbor to first eat her son and the next day they’d eat her neighbor’s son, “So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.” In chapter 9, we get gruesome details of Jezebel’s death—thrown from a window and trampled by horses until nothing left but her skull. Chapter 18 describes men who during a siege have to “eat their own dung and drink their own piss.” Chapter 23 mentions male prostitutes (sodomites).

1 Chronicles is the place to go if you’re looking for Biblical names. New favorite verse is 1:1:10 – “And Cush begat Nimrod : he began to be mighty upon the earth.” But seriously, most of this book is just lists of names, a genealogy from Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Ishmael. We get a retelling of the stories we’ve already heard in the books of Samuel & Kings, like David’s story. 1:21:1 has the first appearance of the word Satan, which opens a can of worms. Previously, bad people were referred to as sons of Belial, and the Eden serpent in Genesis is just a snake. Whether or not there’s a definite article (the satan vs satan) shifts the meaning. The devilish Satan that we know won’t show up until Job. From Wikipedia:

The original Hebrew term sâtan (שָּׂטָן‎) is a generic noun meaning “accuser” or “adversary”, which is used throughout the Hebrew Bible to refer to ordinary human adversaries, as well as a specific supernatural entity. The word is derived from a verb meaning primarily “to obstruct, oppose”. When it is used without the definite article (simply satan), the word can refer to any accuser, but when it is used with the definite article (ha-satan), it usually refers specifically to the heavenly accuser: the satan.

2 Chronicles repeats a lot of the Kings stuff, about Solomon and his progeny. It’s a seesaw of God-fearing then God-snubbing people, with wars and peace then wars and peace again. I learned that 20,000 baths of wine = 120,000 gallons. We’ve got more mention of lost texts (like those of Iddo the seer). Next time I want to mis-inform someone, I’m going to say that God put the lying spirit in my mouth. Elijah prophesizes that Jehoram “shall have great sickness by disease of your bowels, until your bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day.” Yikes. And what would a book of the bible be without an evil woman; this time it’s our girl Athaliah (daughter of Jezebel, of course!) who counseled her son to do wicked things, then seizes the government by killing the whole royal family (Can I get some detail here?! All we have is “But when Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all the seed royal of the house of Judah.”). She actually gets a speaking part, too, very exciting for a woman: “Then Athaliah rent her clothes, and said, Treason, Treason.”

Things start to get dull in Ezra, where not much happens except the restriction on “mixed” marriage, so all the non-Jewish wives and children were abandoned. Some gruesome decree from King Darius where whoever alters his decrees “let timber be pulled down from his house, and let him be hanged thereon; and let his house be made a dunghill for this.”

The book of Nehemiah used to be mixed in with Ezra but has been separate since the 16th c AD. Dullsville: Jerusalem is rebuilt and there’s long lists of names to lull you to sleep. Really hope things start to pick up soon.

Which they do, in Esther. It’s always a good sign when a book is named after a woman. Things start out exciting, with Queen Vashti refusing to come and be ogled by the king and his friends on the 7th day of an epic 180 day drinkfest. This refusal sets off panic in the court, with the dudes protesting that if other women caught wind of this rebellion, they too would start standing up to their husbands. THIS MUST BE STOPPED! And so a law was written that every man would “bear rule in his own house”, Vashti was banished, and the search was on for all “fair young virgins” to be brought to the king. Enter our hero, Esther, a Jewish orphan being raised by her uncle Mordecai, who told her not to reveal her Jewishness. This is great: all these pure, young virgins, had to undergo 12 months of further purification (6 months being oiled up with myrrh, 6 months with “sweet odors”) before they were pure enough for the king to ravage. Esther’s chosen to be the new wife. Meanwhile, Mordecai refuses to bow to Haman, who then sets a plan in place to kill all the Jews in the kingdom. Haman throws lots to see when this should take place, and it’s determined that a year from now is the day. He gets the king to send decrees across the whole land saying that on such-and-such a day in 12 months, everyone should rise up against all Jews (“young and old, little children and women”), kill them and steal their money.  So Haman’s a bad dude. He goes around setting up a scaffolding to hang Mordecai from but the king remembers all the great things Mordecai has done for him and grants him great wealth. Haman is eventually hung on the gallows he created for Mordecai. Esther has revealed her Jewishness and gotten the king to reverse his decree, and thus the festival of Purim is born. (Pur-im, because the date of their supposed destruction was determined by throwing Pur, or lots). Oh, and bible scholars say this book is a complete fiction made up to explain the origins of Purim. It’s one of 2 books in the Hebrew bible that don’t mention god (Song of Songs the other).

Joshua, Judges, Ruth, Samuel 1 & 2

Like water torture, I am continuing the drip, drip, dripping of the Bible. Joshua is an incredibly dull book—wars, circumcision (“At that time the Lord said unto Joshua, Make thee sharp knives, and circumcise again the children of Israel the second time.” – A SECOND TIME?!), the walls of Jericho fall down.

Judges continues the dullness with a bit more spice, continued wars but then there’s a lady who nails someone in the head to kill him, and the weird decision to draft every man “that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth,” and the dude whose skull was fractured by a woman who then asked his servant to kill him so that people wouldn’t be able to say that a woman killed him. Our pal Samson (the strong hairy dude) is in here, shorn of his strength then he grows it back and pulls down the pillars of a house to kill everyone. Then there’s a scene with an eerie echo of Sodom, a man goes into a house and townsmen beat at the door saying they want to “know him” (bugger him) but the master of the house says don’t do such a wicked thing but here’s my daughter. Violent rape ensues and she dies on the doorstep of her father’s house the next morning. Jesus fucking christ. But the horror isn’t over—her body is then cut into 12 pieces and sent to all the coasts of Israel. WTF!? Then there’s some low-key kidnapping of wives and finally we get to Ruth.

Ruth, what a delight! The first book named after a woman, I settle in and am excited to read about her and Naomi (her mother-in-law). This is a welcome change from the war and violence of the previous seven books of the Bible. Ruth marries Naomi’s son who dies, and Ruth clings to Naomi, then she is married off to a kinsman, Boaz. We hear about the custom of giving someone your shoe as a testimony for confirming a land transaction? “Now this was the manner in former time in Israel concerning redeeming and concerning changing, for to confirm all things; a man plucked off his shoe, and gave it to his neighbor: and this was a testimony in Israel.” Ruth has a son and is the great-grandmother of David. Is it the famous David of Golliath? We’ll have to wait and see! And I’m ready to continue flipping pages of this delightful tale when, whoops, Ruth is over. Only 4 chapters?!

Samuel 1. Lots of killing, wars. Some weird thing where god turns Samuel into “another man”?? Saul is trouble from the start, hiding from everyone but he’s tall so his hiding place discovered easily. Then Saul becomes a mad king and we meet David, the gentle harp player/shepherd who’s known for taking down Goliath with a single stone before sawing his head off and parading around with it. (I guess you had to come with receipts to prove what you’d done.) Saul tells David he can marry his daughter Michal, but instead of a dowry he wanted 100 foreskins of the Philistines. What is up with this obsession about foreskin/circumcision? David overachieves and brings 200 foreskins. Saul keeps trying to kill David so he escapes, and when he’s recognized pretends to be mad (has lots of practice from seeing Saul up close, foaming at the mouth). Surprise: there is an extended discussion of fortune telling in here! (1 Samuel 28:7-19) Samuel, who’s dead, gets brought back by a spiritual medium and he tells Saul that he’ll die tomorrow. Which he does and David comes out on top.

Samuel 2. More killing, rape, incest. Good times. King David has an all-night dance party (he “danced before the lord with all his might). There’s a special form of torture where they “shaved off half of their beards, cut off their garments in the middle, even to their buttocks”. I vaguely remembered a Biblical tale of David and Bathsheba which is here: David spots Bath-sheba washing herself and she was “very beautiful to look upon” so he gets her pregnant and then has her husband sent off to be killed in war. More rape in 13:14 where Amnon rapes his half sister Tamar; this is revenged 2 years later when Tamar’s brother Absalom kills Amnon. This causes Absalom to flee from David’s wrath and leads to this curious exchange: he sends for Joab to be a messenger between him and David but Joab refused to come. After the 2nd time he refused to come, Absalom told his servants to set Joab’s barley field on fire, which they do, and Joab comes running, WTF are you doing, mate? Absalom sends him to talk to David for him. Later, Absalom humiliates his father David by sleeping with David’s 10 concubines in a tent on the roof of his palace so the whole town can see. During battle, Absalom gets caught in a tree and Joab walks up to kill him with 3 darts. David mourns his son’s death, “Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!” What’s refreshing in all these violent, ruthless, devious books is the near absence of that vengeful god—most of the blathering is being done by humans instead of a jealous spirit. The ark, however, is being yanked around and moved from place to place still.

Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy

Leviticus

Jesus Christ, Leviticus is boring! It’s one long list of rules and regulations with an occasional threat thrown in for good measure. I miss the rock’em sock’em good times of the first two books. Really detailed instructions on sacrificing sheep, fowls, etc. Salt makes an appearance in 2:13, we’re veering into recipe territory and it seems god has quite the appetite. The cooking show get sizzling with 6:21 “in a pan it shall be made with oil; and when it is baken, thou shalt bring it in”. But before you get too cozy with eating, chapter 11 tells you what NOT to eat (including camel, coney, hare, swine, things without fins and scales in the water, eagle, ossifrage, ospray, vulture, kite, raven, owl, hawk, cuckow, owl, swan, pelican, stork, heron, lapwing, bat). But feel free to eat locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers.

There’s some real voodoo shit, and specific details about dealing with leprosy and gonorrhea. Oops, we are sorry to inform you that incest is now not permitted (18:6), sorry for those thousands of years of confusion before this. While we’re at it, let’s go ahead and outlaw homosexuality as well (our bad—it just got too popular! 18:22).

Things get real with 19:29: “Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.” And since we like making specific regulations about women, there’s a proclamation that the daughters of priests who commit adultery “shall be burnt with fire” (daughters of regular folk were just strangled, not burned). Know any flat-nosed rabbis? I don’t think you do, according to 21:18.

Numbers

There are a lot of numbers in this book, but not a lot of action. Numbers, numbers, numbers, and more of those tediously specific instructions you’ve got to follow exactly or suffer the wrath of god. There’s some really graphic torture that god inflicts, like 5:21’s causing thighs to rot and bellies to swell. The patriarchy is in full force here, with women bearing the brunt of all punishment (5:31 – men are guiltless, women shall bear her iniquity).

Yadda yadda yadda about sacrificing, gold spoons, but again don’t complain because that throws god into a tizzy and he burns people up who complain (11:1). Nice reminiscing about all the good food they used to have in Egypt: cucumbers, fish, melons, leeks, onions, garlic. But cry about it? I’ll give you something to cry about, god says, giving you enough meat to “come out at your nostrils” (11:20).

More patriarchal rot in chapter 12 where both Miriam and Aaron are talking shit about Moses for marrying an Ethiopian woman but only Miriam is punished by being turned into a leper and cast out of the community.

More bitching and moaning from the people so god starts killing people again. 21:6-“And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.” Do not mess with pissy- mood god.

More graphic violence: a grandson of Aaron takes a javelin and thrusts it through a man and a woman, through her belly, in order to keep a plague from killing people. Patriarchal bullshit continues in chapter 30 where women’s choices get overridden by their fathers or husbands.

The height of tedium is reached in chapter 33 which reads like directions printed out from MapQuest: “And they departed from Kibrothhattaavah, and encamped at Hazeroth. And they departed from Hazeroth, and pitched in Rithmah. And they departed from Rithmah, and pitched at Rimmonparez.” The whole chapter lulls you to sleep with this singsong list of arrivals and departures.

Is Moses dead yet? Ugh, no. One more book to go.

Deuteronomy

Hooray! Moses finally dies at the end of this book. But first, lots of reminiscing about god’s greatest hits, some rehashing of the commandments, and god generally acts like an abuser, reminding people that he’s jealous and then pretending he’s merciful.

There’s a lot of weird emphasis here on creating refuge cities in case anyone accidentally kills someone, they can escape to these cities for safety. Also weird to specifically describe that if you accidentally hit your neighbor with an axe, it’s ok to flee to a refuge city.

I guess the vengeful god is more interesting than the nice one. God threatens to send hornets to kill people if they disobey. Not chill.

Also in here is the concept of releasing people from debt every 7 years and helping the poor.

A bunch of bullshit about the patriarchy, like if you want to take a wife from people you capture, go for it, and if you later find you “have no delight in her,” you can let her go but you can’t sell her. Bummer. There’s specific instructions that women can’t wear men’s garments and vice versa. If you take a wife and “go in unto her, and hate her” then pretend she wasn’t a virgin, her parents have to provide “tokens” of their daughter’s virginity and if they can’t provide them, the daughter gets stoned to death.

The whole end of chapter 22 is nuts. If a married woman is raped in the city then they both get stoned to death, but if she’s raped in a field then only the man dies because there was no one to save her. Oh, and if the raped woman wasn’t married then she has to marry her rapist (22:29).

The rules start to get bizarre and arbitrary, like not plowing with both an ox and an ass together, and not wearing clothes that mix wool and linen. If your balls are crushed or your penis cut off you can’t worship god?

Ladies have to marry their dead husband’s brothers. If you try to help your husband in a fight by grabbing the genitals of his assailant, you get your hand cut off!

Chapter 28 is classic—10 verses about how god’ll be nice if you follow the rules, and then 40+ verses on the curses and damnation he’ll bring if you don’t obey. Pestilence, fever, inflammation, burning, sword, blasting, mildew, drought, eaten by vultures, boils, scabs & itches that can’t be healed, madness, blindness, poverty. God will make another man sleep with your wife if you don’t obey. Kill your animals, give away your children, “smite thee in the knees and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head.” He’ll bring locusts and worms to eat your crops.

God is apparently a lawyer because 28:61 is the kind of cover-your-ass clause you’d find buried in a website’s terms and conditions: “Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the lord bring upon thee, until thou be destroyed.”

Exodus

I’m not planning to write about the entire Bible, but the second book is just as bananas as the first. Compared to Genesis, which has tons of stars, co-stars, and even a few leading ladies (who have actual lines!), Exodus is a one-man show—all Moses, all the time. The god that seemed somewhat benevolent in Genesis becomes kind of a dick in Exodus.

Ok, so we all know the story of Moses, right? Placed in a basket on the river, abandoned by his mom in order to save his life, adopted by the daughter of the Pharaoh? Yeah, but do you remember that Moses’s sister is chilling right by the river and when the Pharaoh’s daughter is like “hey, here’s a Jewish baby,” the sister says “Oh snap, you want me to find a Jewish nurse for it?” and runs and gets her mom, then Moses’s mom ends up nursing her own son into a young boy before handing him back to the Pharaoh’s daughter.

Moses’s name is apparently a play on words. (Thanks to my Biblical scholars here: The Egyptian form of the name was probably Mesu, which signifies “born, brought forth, child,” and is derived from a root meaning “to produce,” “draw forth.” Egyptian has many roots common to it with Hebrew, whereof this is one. The princess’s play upon words thus admitted of being literally rendered in the Hebrew – “he called his name Mosheh (drawn forth); because, she said, I drew him forth (meshithi-hu) from the water.”)

Despite the mostly turgid prose in this book, there are some elements of poetry, like 2:22: “for he said, I have been a stranger in a strange land” and 28:34: “A golden bell and a pomegranate, a golden bell and a pomegranate, on the hem of the robe round about.”

But back to Moses, since this entire book is about him. One day he’s chatting with god, as one does, and is like “How are the Egyptians going to believe that I mean business?” and god is like, “No worries, I’m gonna give you some magic tricks to play on them.” These include: the rod that turns into a serpent (nice touch that the Egyptian magicians also turn their rods into snakes but Moses’s eats theirs), turning water into blood, filling the land with frogs, turning dust to lice, filling the land with flies, killing all the cattle belonging to the Egyptians, festering boils on people, hail + fire, locusts, days of darkness, and then finally the night of Passover where god kills the firstborn of every house not protected by a smear of lamb’s blood.

Before all this happens, god almost kills Moses (4:24) for not circumcising his son (I cannot BELIEVE how big a deal circumcision is to this dude), but his wife “Zipporah took a sharp stone, and cut off the foreskin of her son, and cast it at his feet, and said, Surely a bloody husband are you to me.”

Changing names continues to be a thing. In 6:3 god declares that his name is JEHOVAH. Compare this to 3:14 after Moses asks what his name is and god gets all huffy: “I AM THAT I AM.” And 34:14 has “the Lord, whose name is Jealous…”

Anyway, Moses is a bit shy so he has to rope in his older brother Aaron to be the spokesperson, and Aaron’s the one doing all the magic tricks (rod turning to snake, water turning into blood). I love that the Egyptian magicians clap back and turn their own rods into snakes and turn water into blood.

Long story short, the Pharaoh finally has enough of these shenanigans and says get the hell out of my land. But god has Pharaoh change his mind and he sends chariots after them, leading to the famous parting of the Red Sea scene (Ch 14). After this little victory, we have the first song in the Bible, Moses singing that the lord is his strength and song and salvation, the lord is a man of war. (Yikes!)

The people start to get restless after days and days wandering the wilderness but Moses keeps them fed with miraculous bread and water out of nowhere. Finally in Chapter 20 we get to the commandments. THERE ARE SO MANY! Way more than the famous ten that we all know (thou shalt not kill, commit adultery, steal, lie, covet, etc.). In fact, the entire section between Chapters 20-23 are injunctions on what to do and what not to do.

In this section is the bit about an eye for an eye, only it’s so much better than that: “thou shalt give life for life, Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, Burning for burning, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.” Daaaaaamn. Tooth for tooth! Foot for foot!

Here’s another of the many more than 10 commandments: (22:18) “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.” WTF! The next line calls for death to bestiality practicers: “Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.”

In Chapter 25 god starts to get greedy and REALLY specific about the dream house he wants built. This goes on for several chapters as he micromanages the exact dimensions and decorations of the ark of the covenant and its surrounding flourishes. Same thing happens with the details of the garments the priests must wear, and number of loops in a curtain (50), and colors of linen used, etc etc. If anyone is having a bad day and wants to kvetch about their terrible boss, I recommend they come read Chapters 25-30 and feel better about their work life.

At the end of Chapter 31, god sends Moses down the mountain with a to-go box packed with rules and regulations, the famous tablets (double-sided printing is specified!) “written with the finger of God.” (Shout out to the Biblical scholar who says: ” It is idle to speculate on the exact mode of the Divine operation.”)

But what will Moses find at the bottom of the mountain?! In his absence, good old Aaron has built a golden calf for the people to worship- uh oh! God sees what’s going on and starts calling these sinners “stiff-necked people” which comes up a lot (apparently meaning stubborn). Moses is like, wait dude I can fix them, slow your roll. Then comes my favorite verse yet (32:14): “And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.” Hell yeah, take that!

Moses sees the party going on and breaks the tablets in frustration. Then he called for teams– who’s with me, who’s against me, and his team swept through the camp and killed “about three thousand men.” These are his own people. Nice!

He has to go back up the mountain which probably makes him crabby, or maybe it was having to fast for another 40 days and nights, but then he gets a second copy of the tablets. The final chapters (35-40) are extremely boring since they repeat all the details of god’s micromanaged wish list from Ch 25-30, only by saying that they are following the orders and executing that punch list.

 

Genesis

Saying that you’re reading The Bible has such a charged effect; you look like a kook. And yet it’s one of the classics, one of the oldest tomes, the book of books. I ordered a copy of the authorized King James Version years ago so it would feel less bible-y while reading, once I got around to it. What a perfect pandemic read! We’ve got nothing compared to the fire and brimstone of these old stories. Step right up and get circumcised, one and all!

I don’t think I’ll document every book of the bible but I felt compelled to get some thoughts on Genesis down because it’s a humdinger. Twenty pages in and you’ve already got murder, incest, drunkenness. Now that I’ve finished it, I have to wonder if anyone has ever made Bible-themed porn? Unexpected to find so much sex and violence.

Considering making t-shirts with Genesis 1:29 printed on them to promote veganism: “Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.”

1:27 – God creates men and women at the same time (later in 2:22 god steals that famous rib, but I prefer the earlier verse)

Adam and Eve have their sons, then all of a sudden Cain’s got a wife– hmm, who that could be? Yes, his sister. Unnamed, of course.

In chapter 5 we’ve got all sorts of nonsense. Adam lives to be 930 years old? Seth 912 years? Enos 905? I guess we’re getting shorter and shorter lifespans but then Noah gets 950 years.

After the flood, there’s some weirdness with Drunk Noah lying naked in his tent. Ham sees him naked (some scholars say this mean he buggers him!) and his brothers cover him up, when hungover Noah wakes up he gets pissed off at Ham’s son Canaan. Why?!

Things get even weirder with Abram/Abraham (both he and Sarai/Sarah get renamed in Chapter 17?!). When traveling, A pretends that S is his sister (12:13) to save his own life and to give her to the Pharaoh as a wife. Boop!– here comes a plague and the Pharaoh finds out S is A’s wife already. This must have been a common ruse because it happens again in chapter 20 (20:2); Abraham says Sarah’s his sister and so the king took Sarah. Best part: the grand reveal in 20:12 – yep, she is my sister but she’s ALSO my wife!

Let’s see, what other goodies are there. First recorded mention of menopause? (18:11) First recorded mention of women lying? (18:15) The decree of circumcision and the fact that everybody got circumcised that day– Abraham was 99 years old, Ishmael was 13, and all of the men in the house no matter what age they were (moving forward, it was boys at age 8 days).

My two favorite names so far are brothers Huz and Buz (22:21).

Oh, the Sodom section is completely nuts. A couple of angels float into town, Lot gives them hospitality, the townspeople crowd around the house demanding to bugger the angels, Lot says “Nah, mate, but I have two virgin daughters, take them?” Later, when the town’s destroyed, Lot and those two virgins are hanging out in a cave and the virgins decide to get their dad drunk and fuck him to “preserve his seed.”

More craziness with Abraham—when he goes to sacrifice Isaac and the poor kid’s like, “where’s the lamb, dad?” You’re the lamb, kiddo. He binds him up and reaches for the knife! Tell me Isaac isn’t mentally scarred for life from this.

Before Abraham dies, he does one last crazy thing, where he has his servant “put his hand under the thigh of Abraham” to swear something; Bible notes say this is a solemn oath, “Probably it is an euphemistic manner of describing the circumcised member, which was to be touched by the hand placed beneath the thigh; and thus the oath was really by the holy covenant between Abraham and God, of which circumcision was the symbol.” !!!

More pseudo sister shenanigans with Isaac this time who pretends Rebekah is his sister and not his wife.

Jacob has a dream about a ladder, which I guess is the origin of Jacob’s ladder, something I only know of as a cat’s cradle string figure we used to make as kids. Rachel pimps out Jacob to her sister for some mandrakes.

How convenient that giving a tenth of your income to the church is written here (29:22).

Revenge for raping their sister Dinah? Jacob’s sons tricked the townsmen into circumcising themselves because they wouldn’t agree to live in their town unless everyone was circumcised. Why would the men agree?! Anyway, on day 3 after the act, “when they were sore,” Jacob’s sons killed all the dudes in town.

Another inexplicable name change– Jacob becomes Israel.

Ah yes, Joseph and the technicolor coat who’s sold to the Egyptians and is skilled at interpreting dreams, gets in with the Pharaoh, predicts the famine and prepares for it by storing grain, saves his family from starvation when they come creeping up.

Chapter 49 gives us the 12 tribes of Israel, e.g. the 12 sons of Jacob, when on his deathbed he gives his opinion of (disses) them all. Reuben, you no good lout, “unstable as water, thou shalt not excel.” Judah’s eyes “shall be red with wine”, Dan “shall be a serpent”,  Asher “shall yield royal dainties”, etc.